Wondering how and why some people make things bigger than they are. Example: I say something like "I don't like orange shirts," so then the other person refrains from buying and/or wearing orange shirts around me. Did I say you can't wear orange? Did I say that seeing orange gives me seizures? Still trying to communicate effectively but the more I do it, the more I wonder if I'm the only one in need of an adjustment. I communicated something yesterday and today that was simple and direct, and it became confusion anyway! And the type of confusion that occurs makes me seem petty, or like a stickler, or like an asshole. I think the only thing that makes me feel better about knowing this now is that I KNOW I'm not always the anal person folks make me out to be. I definitely wonder sometimes. *sigh of relief* Now I'm stuck in between a rock and a hard place ... If I talk like their slow then I'm rude and condescending and I treat them like a child. If I continue trying to be "adult" about it then I'm misunderstood, extra steps are taken, I get frustrated and the cycle of misery continues. Actually that's more like being stuck between a can of oil and a can of gasoline while someone is holding a match. Either way, things will blow up.
I'm not a fan of poetry or the spoken word.... not at all. I could go the rest of my life without ever going to a spoken word event and be perfectly content. That's funny since I recently wrote about how many words I have.
I tried that whole speaking thing again. Attempting to say what I really want from someone. Then when I was confused I attempted to figure out how one little line became so confusing and such a problem. Minutes later I was ignoring texts because I didn't want to be bothered anymore with this whole trying to talk bullshit since I have been making an effort but was told there doesn't seem to be a way to fix this, and there's no plan; there's nothing.
That's pretty discouraging. Not sure I feel like speaking anymore today. *sigh* I shouldn't let it get to me, and I should press forward. Right? I'll just use the rest of this work day to prepare myself to try again.
If there's anything that's unknown, it's how I'll improve when the people I'm talking to make it even harder. I guess that's communication for you. There will be hard to talk to types of people, and easy to talk to types of people. What type of person are you??
Some people are unbelievable!!!! *steam shoots from ears*
I don't even know why I bother asking my dad for help with anything. And my mother .... man she can be a serious thorn in my side too! When I FINALLY need help with something they conveniently forget everything. When I say I would like to do something or go somewhere, they tell me I shouldn't and then try to make it fit into their own timeline. WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE!!!! WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT THE FUCK!!
So I'm finally making another change to the house that I've been waiting to make for quite some time. Dad's answer to everything = "do I have to do it right now?" Fool, what do you mean?! You're not doing anything, you won't come help when I ask. You won't come help on your own. You only half ass when you visit because you stall til there's no time left and then half ass apologize with some justification about how you at least did one thing. How long does it take to fix a curtain rod? All I asked was that he fix it for me because where it is placed I don't have the strength to get the screw all the way in. Therefore all you're doing is pushing a screw further in! Oh but here it is 6 months later still not done. This time I want/need a little more. I asked for help with my bathroom. I said just take the stuff out ..... I'll do the work on the walls ..... then put the new items in. Your idea is to come up for one day, the night before a long day of activities, and then go home like you'll finish beforehand. I'm not Bob Vila you asswipe! So now what am I doing???? I've started working bit by bit trying to paint so that if/when he does move the things I'll only have a small part left to deal with.
Then there's mom. I'm not even going to get into how many times I've mentioned going to NY and seeing family. I have things to do and a early event with my son and your idea is that we will immediately hop on the road for an overnight after I've been overworked all day?!?!?!?! The fuck outta here!!! #pass!
I WILL get things done with or without folks like this. The folks that claim to be there and act like they want to help you. The folks that say I don't need to call someone else because they can do what I need. AND THEN, WHERE THE HELL ARE THEY?!?!
Time for work ..... Glad that's off my chest though. TTFN
WHY is the stripper bitch outside blasting Fantastic Voyage and singing like an injured fox howling at the moon????? Now there's a bunch of dogs going off like they're doing the "twilight bark" or something!! *ears bleeding*
I'll be skipping that song on Pandora for a while.
I'm always talking about how I haven't been able to do the things I want to do because I don't have the time or the money. But now that I think about it, those might not be my only reasons. Subconsciously I think the reason I haven't taking the leap, and done more of the things I'd really like to do is because I'm not willing to make the necessary sacrifices in order to succeed.
Let's say I decided to take some classes next month because that's what I really want to do. The trade off would be that I have to get loans in order to pay for it. Ok. In order to get student loans it'll require that I take 2 classes at a time. Ok. Then I will find someone to watch my son, maybe Phyllis some days and maybe Harriet some others. Ok. So then I wouldn't be home as often, I wouldn't be able to run as many errands, pay attention to my son's school affairs, clean the house the way I'd like, and I probably wouldn't write my lessons in a timely fashion. I definitely wouldn't have time to play with my son. I mean how could I do that if I'm trying to work and do housework, and do homework alllllllllllllllllllllllllll day and night? But if I don't do it, will I ever? Will I ever get to claim my success? Will I find my joy? Should I put others aside to get what I want? What affects will that have on my family? Is it worth it one way or the other? Will I resent anyone, including myself, if I choose to put others first?
All I know is that I would like people walking beside me instead of having to look over my shoulder to see if they're still behind me.
I suppose that's why a lot of people get with someone who's into the same things/profession/hobbies, and others wait until later in life to have children (or refuse to have children at all).
I'd really never considered these things before. Hmmmmmmmm ....
I think it's important to maintain a certain amount of control in different situations. Everyone should feel at least some amount of control in everything they do. I don't know how you would feel safe otherwise.
So this week it seems I'm showing I have more control over my actions, my emotions, and my things. I need to take things slowly and maintain a certain amount of control in order to keep myself sane, safe, and hopefully end up happy.
When it comes to that last relationship and how things ended, I immediately regained a lot of things that I had given up/shared over time. Space, time, money, energy ..... And now to have those things back, it's hard to explain. Like no comparison actually makes sense, but in my mind I know what I mean. Let's see, maybe it's like getting evicted and then trying to pay the bills after finding all of your stuff in the street. It's not going to happen. You knew what you were supposed to do, what you needed to do in order to keep what you wanted but you didn't do it. So yea, now you're willing to pay up BUT you have to start the entire process over just to get back in. IF they even let you back in! It doesn't matter how nicely you treated the office staff.
I heard that it might sound like it's just my way of being controlling. Well, there are a few ways I could respond to that:
1. I can do that because it's MINE! I have the right, I don't have to let anyone in. And no matter what the reason is that things ended up the way they did, at the end of the day I don't HAVE TO do anything I'm not comfortable with.
2. I'm controlling my feelings and guarding my heart. I don't trust things not to fall apart, like they've already done a few times, so why rush back in when there might be a rush back out?! Sure we're not supposed to think that way about it but that's the truth.
3. Of course there is the way it looks to people on my side. I haven't given it any thought what they might think, but I'm sure it's not anything close to what folks on the other side think.
I've never shared so much with someone before. It's more about my feelings than anything.
Ugh, this post sounds blah.
Maybe writing while the children are in centers isn't a good time.
When it comes to getting what I need versus getting what I want I think I've been going about them the wrong way. Ladies, women, females ... we all WANT to be romanced and swept off our feet by sweet gestures. We have these ideas of how things should be, how things should go, and what would be nice. But the reality is that some people just suck ass at doing anything independently. Tonight I learned that if I need free time, and if I need to relax then I NEED to tell someone what to do and when to do it. No it's not my ideal. Honestly I would like it if I didn't have to say things all the time. It's not romantic or thoughtful at all if someone is only doing something because they've been asked to. But hey, if they aren't that type then it's either tell them just so you can get at least some satisfaction, OR continue suffering from constant disappointment. You know what's the most ironic part about it? ... It's that folks will TELL YOU that they know what you want, and TELL YOU that they thought about doing it, but then NEVER (or extremely rarely) do anything at all! There's always some reason. "Well I was going to but ...."
I'm the grand gesture type. I've shown up places, provided things, attempted to help folks, etc. I don't think I have much of a problem when it comes to meeting people's needs except when I'm unhappy, or if it involves verbal communication. And that's because I suck at it. Yea yea I know I've made that clear, but I'll keep saying it until I don't think I suck at it anymore. It's sort of a reminder. Ha! Imagine if deadbeat dads had to wake up every day to a reminder message "you're a deadbeat, you suck." HAHAHAHAHHAA. Ok ok back to the point...
Is it possible that in telling people what you want, and it seems to be the same thing over and over, that they will actually retain that and begin acting independently on it? Because I don't think I can take a lifetime of asking for the same things. I'd get pissed off thinking, "OMG YOU STILL DON'T GET IT?!?!"
And if the things I think are small, the things I'd consider romantic and thoughtful, the things I'd like are all the things I'm having to request ... then what romance will there be? I don't want or need things that are over the top. I just want some "me time." ME!!! ME TIME!! For MYself. I think in my last relationship that was ignored because selfishly she wanted to be able to kill two birds with one stone. By helping half-assed she got to spend time with me and my son, even though she KNEW I'd rather have some time alone. I'd made it clear on several occasions that sometimes I don't want to do anything outside the house, but it's hard to do anything in/around the house with my son present. And then there are other times when I would like to be out of the house, doing whatever it is I want to do - childless. But when things are knowingly or unknowingly half-assed, then the most I get is half (at best) of what I really want. I put up with it. I did. I tried to be lenient. I tried to be understanding and accepting of the newness of the situation because of all the uncertainty and lack of confidence that was expressed. I waited a looooooooong time thinking things would change on their own. As things became more comfortable and more fluid I thought that maybe all the things that weren't originally done would start to happen because the reasons/excuses for not doing them no longer applied. But nope! That was my mistake again.
So, now I know. If I want to get what I need then I have to set aside my desire for grand gestures and just SAY SOMETHING! I don't know what that will do for my ego, but hey. I NEED breaks, but I WANT gestures ... It's fairly obvious which is more important.
#6 If I want something done, I have to make it happen - There are no mind readers.
Coping Strategy #1 = Ask for what I want. What's the worst that could happen other than being told no all the time.
Possible backlash resulting from this strategy: Using what could/should be "quality time" as "me time" could possibly become frustrating. But with such limited availability ... *shrugs*
I attempted to explain my reasoning behind something today by incorporating my feelings. Which is not something I do often and not something I do well (as stated over the previous few days). Instead of being heard and understood, I got in return more reasons and statements about what I shared. Why things happened and what things could have been. Well that's neither here nor there at this point, and I'm trying not to be more annoyed by the response acknowledged NOTHING about what I managed to share. But I'll get over it. Eventually.
Which brings me to my thoughts of the day ..........
If you don't ask questions how will you EVER get answers? If you don't discuss things and plan how will anything ever happen? You can think, or "have no intention of working" but if you don't say so then how would anyone know? There was a talk about what was gonna happen in a certain number of days, but at no point were there questions about what I'd like to do. I heard 30 days, but with it being the break I figured that meant rush through the week and then hopefully between jobs everything else will get done on time. Just like I knew I had the week so I flat out said I want to get my sons room finished the first day or two so I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. Why spend an entire week on something that could be done in two days (with the help of some advil)?
When I have plans I put them on my calendar. When I don't have plans there's nothing on the calendar. I don't have last minute "OH I HAVE TO DO THIS" stuff pop up more than once a month and the pop up item is usually some child's hair which I can say no to easily. I don't usually say no because there's no other plans, nothings been discussed, other things pop up in every one else's scheduled so I figure it's better to get the money than blow the entire evening wondering if I'll be sleeping alone or not. Conversely, when time is left open on other calendars who knows what that means! Is that free time? Is that time for chores or working from home because there's no actual client? Is that a day of phone calls, or just open time in case something pops up? Without talking about it or being asked to do something I have no way of knowing what someone "had the intention of" or not! I'm boring. I'm basic. There's less of a need to check with me about my plans because my schedules are set in stone. Yea I work on work related things all the time but if asked to do something else I could adjust/adapt my time. It's not like I'm skipping work, losing money, or having to make time up for it.
Questions ... we've got to work on questions. I keep hearing the line "well nothing was discussed so _____ " (fill in the blank) If there's no questions, there's nothing to discuss. Period.
This site used to be more fun to be because I could edit things much easier than other blog sites. Now they're all sort of the same, so this one doesn't work very well anymore. I suppose most people have switched to blogger, or created sites with their own domain name. I do have other sites but this one has YEARS of my thoughts, predating the existence of the other blog sites.
I miss being able to edit with the click of a button. Now if I want to change font sizes and colors I have to dig deep into my memory banks for html codes. I used to have my favorite text color codes memorized but that was back during my BlackPlanet.com days! Man back then I could add in images, music, videos and resize them.
I DONT WANT A NEW BLOG!!!! But I don't want to get bored with this one. Tough choices.
Oh and writing on the Mac. You can forget changing ANYTHING using the Mac. It doesn't even want to let you add line breaks without adding the code. The is my first time using the PC since I've been back and it's refreshing not having to make a bunch of < br > tags between paragraphs.
10 more episodes of Scandal to watch til I'm all finished. I don't know that I would have been as excited watching it week by week like everyone else on facebook. It's "ok." There have been a few things that made my jaw dropped and/or laugh out loud. I would like it more if the Olivia and the President got their lives right and stop all this bs playing around. And I CANT STAND watching Olivia's mouth. The way she moves her mouth when she talks ... it's like she is always smelling something that stinks! Especially with all the crying she's been doing. OMG.