Today I woke up and had a glass of water. NOT the flavored stuff, because anyone who knows me knows the only water you'll catch me drinking is flavored. But no, today I actually enjoyed (no joke) a glass of plain water. I was sucking down vodka on an empty stomach to remove the wall I was building to avoid "feeling" things. Yea I'm sure it doesn't make sense ... to remove feelings in order to address and work on my feelings. It was only in the evening though. For some reason the evenings have been more difficult than the days. Might be the lack of sleep, or my desire to complete all of Scandal before the break is over and every episode has some sex scene.
I'll also drink my good tea. I like tea. Not long islands!!
Speaking of long island, I'm supposed to be in NY but like other things I gave up I decided not to go. It was a tough choice for a bunch of reasons. I really really wanted to but I thought going would remove any chance of quality time with .... her. Funny how that worked. Then there was the money of course. My great aunt hasn't been feeling well and she's the old school type that has to cook a ton for guests. I told her she didn't have to do anything but she guilted me, so I figured I'd still go but stay in a hotel. Well that's more money, AND then my aunt would be the one feeling guilty because she didn't have me stay. That's how old people get you. She made it worse by calling me asking if I'd made up my mind about what I was going to do, like deep down she wanted me to come, but at the same time she didn't. Made me realize how confusing not knowing what someone wants is. Usually I know people so well that I don't have to be told. But geez, this lady ... if she didn't want me to come why did she keep calling to see if I was? Super annoying. So in order to be ok with my choices that were based on two other people instead of based on myself (the way it should have been) I've been justifying my decision by saying it's because I'll be able to finish my bathroom on time if I don't go. Spending the money on a hotel room would make it impossible for me to get what I need anytime soon and it would be nice to get it done before June.
From this I learned more about how I've given up chances to be happy because I put other people first. The ONLY person I need to put first is my son. Which is also disappointing because I wanted him to see his family, so I messed up there too. Damn. *sigh*
I wonder what I'll be thinking tonight after drinking water all day. I wasted the entire break so it'll probably be the panic of not having done a damn thing before having to be back at work. Maybe I shouldn't say it was wasted. I chose not to do anything. I chose to work around the house, and play with Donovan. I chose not to do anything for myself because I wasn't in the mood. Let's add that to the list of things I need to address:
#5. Making better choices and putting myself first sometimes.
I'm a scatterbrain. All of that info because I wanted to write about my water drinking endeavors. Where's my glass?!
I know I've referred a few times to "my last relationship" but the truth is I don't know if my last relationship is still my current relationship or not. I thought it was over. Just over. I don't see how we could jump to the second to last phase of a relationship, and then backtrack to stage 1 or 2. But then I remember that I suggested trying things independently, more than once. I didn't think it would happen. At the time when I said it, I didn't think it would happen.
My emotions are a mess. I don't know what to think.
Do I want to torture someone by trying to continue a relationship that I've obviously killed? Do I want to struggle to change in the smallest amount of time possible to try saving a relationship when I don't even know that I can? Would changing or attempting to change even save anything!? Do I want to see what happens and if she's happier being able to do the things she wants, almost needs to do in order to be herself?
I heard about all the things she gave up in order to be in a family way with me. The challenges of a family aren't for everyone. I know this. It's hard. It's tasking and tiresome. It's a full time job on top of your full time job. It's relentless and non-merciful. It's what separates mothers from every other type of person on the planet!
Back in a few ... I have company.
I'm back, but forget it, I think I'm done writing for tonight.
She said so many of the things I've written about. It was so conflicting. I could have, maybe even should have held her, but part of me thought it's crossing a clear cut boundary. When things began I was told we couldn't be "just friends" after the fact. I need to know what this is.
Last night while I was talking to a friend about the things that have happened over the past 4 years, I realized that I had unresolved feelings about my grandfathers passing and how it was handled. Not the actual arrangements, but the way the family handled the first few days in the house and how I was treated by my mother. I was really angry then. I'm better now that I've had the chance to talk about it .... reeeeeeeeeeeally talk about it and cry over it.
I also talked about my issues with the way I speak to people. It wasn't helpful hearing what he had to say because he's basically accepted it and is ok with it. But he's an asshole too, and has no problem speaking his mind so I think he's ok with it because he puts me in my place as necessary. Not in a rude way! He simply checks my attitude.
I had the same discuss (about attitude checking) the night before last as well. Right before the Scandal season finale I couldn't watch because I haven't seen any of season 3, Nel was asking me questions about what happened that caused my relationship to fall apart. I compared myself to her and admitted I'm difficult to deal with just like she is. And in turn, I've pushed everyone away. She said because we have strong personalities we need people who are strong enough to check us at times. That's probably true. She says her best and move successful relationships were with people who weren't afraid to check her attitude. And my worst relationships were with pushovers. I thought about it more and the ONLY person who would check me was Creighton, but he also went too far sometimes. We were more "combative." Nel and I also talked about how I need to stop distancing myself when I'm in a mood, and try still being social. I think that in doing so, I'll end up getting my attitude checked though and it'll piss me off more. I don't know. It's not something I've tried. And now in my last relationship she was so afraid of upsetting me more she decided maybe it's better to say nothing to me during my moments. Ugh. She said that to me too (that I need to stop isolating myself) but I fought it. I wasn't interested and refused to try. Not one of my best decisions :(
Fucked up replying to a text already. I should have started with "thank you." But nooooooooooooo, what do I do ... make a sad face and express my secondary thoughts instead of my first ones. I need to reverse the way I do things. I need to speak upfront more about some things, and I need to take time before replying to texts. Whereas right now I keep replying to texts too quickly and not speaking until way later.
Way to go me!
(That was sarcasm - does it count if I'm sarcastic towards myself?)
//// STATS ////
Mood: Retarded (Yes I'm aware that's not a socially acceptable term anymore, I said it anyway.)
Song: No music today! Silence for as long as possible please.
Movie: No movies today ... Only Scandal Season 2 on Netflix
Color: Shrek Green - because my son wants me to paint the bathroom green, I feel like an Ogre, and I can only hope that solitude isn't the be all end all for me. I'm an onion. Funny how I can connect those things just to name a color.
The funny thing about words is that when said a certain way you can bend and twist them to mean all kinds of things. Something that's meant to be a compliment can come across like an attack or judgement. Something that's supposed to be serious can come across as sarcastic or condescending. I have a real problem with the way I use my words. I don't know why, or how to fix it but I wish I used my words better than the way I do. I keep hearing about how I talk to people, and that when I'm having a moment I can't just avoid talking to people. So everything is wrong with what I say AND with what I don't say. I'm confused, overwhelmed, disappointed, frustrated, and most of all pissed off with myself for continuing to have this problem. You know, they say if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all.
And then I get so easily frustrated when I have to use my words sometimes. I talk A LOT! But when someone asks a questions I'm like "ugh." Why can't I just answer the damn questions without sounding like a bitch?! I just destroyed another relationship because we can't talk to each other. I can't get right with my words and she didn't understand the things I did try to say. Damnit I SUCK :(
Wait, breaking down again .... back in a few .....
Ok my son distracted my breakdown by asking to take a bath so I think I'm good enough to continue writing. So, where was I? Right, I was saying how much I suck. Don't confuse this with self-pity. Let's be clear, I am NOT looking for pity. I obviously need help. I started this blog years ago when I decided to go to therapy and writing here was more helpful than talking to the damn shrink. I have a lot to write about and if it takes more than an hour to organize my thoughts, I can take all the time I need here. In the office you get an hour whether you come to some sort of conclusion or not. $20 blown on an hour that typically left me feeling more confused then before I got there. And this right here .... FREE! Free therapy!
Now that I've addressed part of my issue, and will continue to write about my journey with changing the way I use my words, let me list some of the other things that have been pointed out by other people (and some things I've known about myself):
1. Coping strategies - yesterday I was told I need to learn to cope with my problems better. I don't know how to do that or where to begin because the only thing I can think of that would help me cope, would be to do something that takes my mind away from what's getting to me. And no, writing here daily isn't going to do all that. I dislike what my job has become. I dislike my lack of free time. I'm stressed to the MAX by my son's terrible two stage! I would like to have more family support but they aren't here. I'd like to spend more time on hobbies and interests but single parenting has gotten in the way of my time, and finances. There has to be SOMETHING I can do to get my mind off these things. But seriously, I'm surrounded by people who are doing so much more and enjoying life and aside from being jealous and envious, I feel absolutely defeated. Folks with more kids and less money seem to still be happier than me, yes it's true. So wtf is my problem? Like I should be happy to have a job .... but I've always said I don't want a job that doesn't make me happy. So there's that. I should be happy my kid is healthy (for the most part), but damned if he doesn't test the limits to the brink of my self-destruction. The other kids WEREN'T this difficult. So wtf is wrong with this one?! Geez. I won't even get into the month of September. So yea, where's my happy? I need to find some happy? And I can't find it in someone else or be given it by someone else, I need to find the happy in me. If there is any.
2. My attitude - Oh my attitude sucks ass. Thanks to all the things listed in #1 I'm just an asshole. I don't mean to be an asshole most of the time, it just happens. Slips out in those words mentioned above so I can't take them back because once I've said them, and someone's heard them, its too late. I'd like to think that by fixing #1, this too will be resolved.
3. Trust - This is one of the things I know I have a problem with, and I thought I was getting better because I was able to trust one person. I know that's not a lot but it's more than I've done in a loooooooooooooooong time. That other mf from the last decade did away with my ability to trust most people. He's not the only one either. Come to think of it quite a few people contributed to my inability to trust folks. My closest friends bailed, people that say they are my friends at this very moment really aren't, and I shouldn't even count the people I work with but man o man I can trust them about as far as I can throw them. The worst! So now I hear what people say, and I decide how much of it I think is the truth (whether it is or not because who knows), but because I struggle with it, once again that problem I have with my words POPS OUT! My immediate reactions sound some kinda way that give others the impression that either I'm not really listening OR I don't believe them. Which is true. But with the one I did trust I still came across the same way even though I believed it all.
.: BREAK :.
So what I'm noticing the most is the recurrence of word usage. Good, since that's what I started with. This entry is in no set order, I'm just typing my thoughts as I have them so it's interesting to see how that came full circle. I actually thought "coping" would come up more. Eh. Ok.
.: END BREAK :.
4. Realizing that everyone is NOT me, and will NOT do things the way I do - And that's ok. Well not really because deep down I would like things done a certain way. That's the problem with OCD, things have to be done a certain way! Not because I mean to be some anal retentive stickler who has to have her own way, but because I can't help needing things done so. I've been become more "normal" over the years. Not sure if I wrote about it when I first attempted normalcy, but there's a lot of things I can handle now that I couldn't before. I used to lose sleep if a closet door was still open. I used to lose sleep if dirty dishes, empty cups/cans weren't put where they needed to go. I don't have to double check everything, just a few things because I forget if I checked the first time. My memory isn't what it used to be either so my double checking isn't so much an OCD thing as a "I really don't know" thing. I was able to let go of some control and allowed someone else to do things their way. I was told by married folks that sometimes, even when it's painful to watch, you have to let things happen other ways and just be happy you didn't have to do it yourself. Like how the bathroom is cleaned, or how dishes are done. Instead of focusing on how it wasn't done "MY WAY" I learned to be happy it was not on my to-do list anymore. Relinquishing that power was harder than it should have been because the person helping had no domestic skills. So what I learned was that hearing "my way" wasn't supposed to be offensive because they didn't have their own way. Ok I got that. It took a while, but when it was explained like that I got it. For a long time I was really getting stressed and offended by the struggle to do things my way for the simple fact that I was attempting to let things not be my way. It was like playing tug-o-war but every time I'd let the rope go, it was put back in my hands.
I think that's it. I'm no longer harboring contempt for people or struggling to get over a relationship from years ago. I know a lot of my entries in the beginning were about the struggle with who I thought was the love of my life, and the guy I was dating to kill time but ended up loving too. No more bouncing back and forth, all of that ended a long time ago and it's been a good thing.
Yesterday I was thinking that I have a problem with my sons sperm donor being a half-ass human being. That was new. I've been trying not to care about that but now that kiddo talks it's disheartening to hear him talk about everyone EXCEPT the dad. I think I'm sad for my baby more than anything, which is why it bothers me more these days that he's not getting the attention from both parents he deserves. Of course the selfish side of me is perfectly content with not sharing or struggling to create/stick to additional schedules. Hopefully this new feeling will pass in the next few months. After his 3rd bday party I'm almost positive I'll go back to not caring as much. Right now it's in my face and on my mind because I'm waiting for help with the party and where's he????? Who knows!!
Alright this is long enough. I'll probably be back later to write more. Well, not "probably," I WILL be back to write more. I need this. This or medication for being bi-polar, but I'd like to think I can regulate myself without drugs. My mom has said for year she thinks I'm bi-polar. I thought she was rude. She might be right.
WHY is it that no matter what I do things have to go to shit. I try to be nice, help out, handle my business without relying on other people to do things for me, etc. But when I really need a break I get a bunch of bullshit instead. For example, I'm sitting here right now wondering how on earth my girl ... the randomly angry and NO FUCKS chick .... keeps having money fall into her lap while I'm bombarded with bogus rental car claims, a busted phone, family "obligations," horrible hair, and high ass heat bills. Then there's the matter of needing a break so I can regroup and refresh (in the midst of the bullshit since I can't seem to catch a break from it long enough to say I'll regroup after it all). I can see that's not going to happen. I think if I have to say "it's important to me that ..." at the start of my sentences that it doesn't matter then if you do it or not. There comes a point when the person your dating, or the long term people that claim to ACTUALLY BE your "friend" should be able to tell when/if something is important or not. Like I know one wants me to go to the studio. It's important to her. But I have too many other things to do right now to take time away to do it. Besides, that would just be me doing more when I just said I'm not doing A DAMN THING because I need a break. I know another wants me to help them move, but I refuse to volunteer. I'm ready to be selfish. People who don't know me usually think I'm selfish anyway. I'm always being judged, and labeled. It's about time I give it a shot! ME ME ME!!! I'm sick of the take take take but when it comes time to give there's nothing but silence in an empty room. It's a lot like that Comcast moving commercial. "Hey I'm moving can you help?" Awwwwwwwwwwww NO!! SORRY!! I wish I could but NO!! It's cool. Let's see what happens to these people when I stop doing things. I'll be like Two Face and make my own luck. %$%$#%&@ .... why bother, it'll probably turn into more crap. I'm fn defeated. >:O THIS IS BULLSHIT!
It's been a year ......... unbelievable. I mean I wasn't thinking about it being a year until I realized how things started was actually an entire year ago. Now, I'm like WOW ... time flies. But now I'm in this relationship with a person that I end up arguing with at the beginning of each month, and who doesn't feel she's achieved/obtained enough to be married. Interesting. So now I wonder, what's the point of being in a relationship with a person who's not thinking about marriage but I am? I'm one of those people that grew up thinking about it, hoping to one day make it to that point. I date with the idea that someone, someday, will be the one for me. No where in those thoughts did I think I'd date just to be dating because your nice to have around. That's what fucking around is for! I can easily get off and get gone without the hassle of putting my heart on the line or making sacrifices. Yet here I am, a year into it and wondering .... do I wait? And if so, how long should I wait?
The monthly issues are usually right around our MONTHLY issue. I try not to talk to let me emotions screw things up but the attitude I get in return is just so stank I can't help but let the fists fly. I'm too much of a "take shit from no one" kind of person to deal with some of it. There's a lot of sacrificing taking place on both sides, but I always feel like the bad guy. I said from the get go that I was already young once and young issues are not my thing. But there's the problem with it being a year later ........ the things that haven't improved are becoming more and more my problem. In order to call things fair in a relationship with two people and a child more has to happen. I'm use to doing things by myself. But in order to be "fair" and "equal" more of the responsibility has to be split up. Well I don't know how to do that. I'll admit it. Most of the time it's just easier for me to do things myself than to tell someone else how to do it. After a year there are things I would have thought were fairly obvious. Like a bedtime routine, or how to prepare for an outing. Not the case.
So you say you need to figure it out by doing it. Ok, I get that. I've said that too. But this is my child we're talking about too. A real live human being that I created. I have to feel comfortable leaving him in order to let someone care for him. Usually when you leave your child with someone, its someone you trust can care for them properly. You feel safe when you leave each day. That's not how I feel. I said I'd do nothing for 4 days while you figure it out, but I will be doing something ... having a panic attack!
The kid isn't our issue though, let's make that clear. That's just my own little "I'd like some time off" issue and the reason I don't get time off. Our issue is shitty communication. How funny is it that I was told communication is important but then find out the one who told me that, isn't capable of communicating themselves!! The exact conversation was: Me - "you're the one who said we need to communicate." Them - "yea, but I didn't know I was bad at it." COME THE HELL ON!!!!!!! What am I supposed to do with that. Man I'm still in emotional recovery from the results of disbelieving my "better to say nothing" mode. I don't know how many times I have to remind them that now I just don't give a crap. Rather than get upset, or be emotional, I just ... don't ... care. For a while I thought I was getting better but then last week when we got into it again I went right back into "don't give a fuck" mode and said some things I probably shouldn't have. But if you have the balls to say you're about to be done, then by all means BOUNCE! No matter what my feelings really are, I'd rather you go then sit in my face thinking "I should probably leave."
I also thoroughly enjoy *sarcasm* being bitched at for not taking what you say at face value, when you don't take things I say at face value either. At least when I dig for more, there is actually more. It doesn't come out until we're already beffin' but in the end, there's always more to it. When I say something, that's usually it. Nothing comes out later. I feel how I feel and think what I think and that's it. If I say ok, then that's all .... ok.
I have a secret though ... I looked at your phone. Figured rather than joke about it I'd be about it once. And surprise!! A text going off about me and how I justify things. So I wrote a nice email trying to cover my bases and you have the nerve to come to me saying you don't know where, why, how I would think such a thing. I wrote the email trying to address your feelings, and you bullshit me with you don't know where I would get that from??? So who are you trying to fool ... yourself ... me ... or our mutual friend who just last week you didn't even mess with like that??? But I can't be mad right? Because I shouldn't have read it. Funny how that works too.
One whole year. A year ago I told myself I shouldn't be bothered with the young thing. Nothing good could come from being with someone 7 years younger. I mean, if you're Stella and trying to get your groove back then sure.
Maybe it's because we've been living together. This is what my sociology books told me NOT to do and I did it anyway. We thought we were different and could beat the odds. Perhaps things would improve if we lived apart instead. Then it's not about doing things my way, or trying to fit into my schedule or my life. And when I'm in my feelings it's not your problem. The only problem with that is that you wouldn't be moving out into your own place. Who wants to deal with the hassle of that!? Ugh.
I don't know anymore. I know I wouldn't want to be married to someone I beef with monthly. Which takes me back to my original concern ...
In 2005 my grandfather sent me a birthday card. Inside was a $20 bill. For some STRANGE reason I didn't remove the money, set the card aside, and didn't come across it again until 2010! I don't know what made me look through old cards, but I did, and was shocked to find that $20. At the time a lot of things were changing in my life ... I'd almost adopted twins, and decided to buy a house. Normally I would have immediately put any found money into my gas tank! However, this time was different. I thought to myself that I'd gone so long without it (totally forgot about it) that I should save it until the time was right. Maybe it would be a time when I really needed it, and grandpa would save the day. But, it wasn't until today ... Tuesday, May 28th 2013 ... that I realized what I should do with it. Today, my son, a week away from age 2, got his very first haircut courtesy of his great grandfather. The idea brought tears to my eyes because for as long as I can remember I used to mess up my grandpa's hair. He didn't have much left by the time I was part of the picture but I'd swipe the strands that were left in the opposite direction every chance I got. Eventually he started going to the barber right before my visits. That was soooooooooooooooooo disappointing. NONETHELESS, I'd attempt to swipe it! That old man grabbed my arm once with the reflexes of a cat and the strength of a woman in labor and THAT'S when I decided to leave him alone. *mumbles to self* have some 80 year old man whoop my ass, I think not!So, it only seemed fitting to use the money for that. Grandpa was never a fan of men with braids anyway. I hope he's happy :)
It's been 2 years since I've last blogged. A lot of things have happened/changed in my life so hopefully this entry won't sound like millions of my previous ones.
To start my son is almost 2 years old. He took 42 hours of labor and promptly turned my world upside-down. The sperm donor isn't really much help other than by dropping off my money on time and I've given up trying to get his attention. Not his attention for me, but for his child. I couldn't care less about him OR his feelings. He sat in court looking so stupid that the judge gave me everything. EVERYTHING! Ooooooooooooooooooooh what a wonderful feeling :D
My best friend is still out of the country. I'm dealing with it. It would be nice if she were around more especially to spend time with kiddo (her godchild) but I'm proud of the work she's doing and I'm even more glad she's not dead. Those damn places she does ... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
I'm in a relationship (female) and things seem to be going well. Too well. I've been wondering more about what's on her mind. I feel like she's walking on eggshells to make me happy or something. Not sure if she thinks I judge her or not but she seems really concerned about what I think. Honestly, I'm happy. I haven't been this happy in a long time and I have no problem with us. Ok I lied a little ... I have ONE issue with us, but I've shed my tears over it and will move forward.
uh oh my show is coming on. I'll have to resume this entry in 30. *pause*
About my show, The Game just got way more interesting. LaTasha Mack is about to get what's coming to her! I don't understand how she thought her love triangle would work anyway.
Speaking of love: I claimed it. I said it, I meant it, I feel it and I believe in it. The question is, will I get through the next few months with my feelings in tact? I was told that a normal reaction would be to push me away. Will she?
This entry probably sounds scattered since I took a break and came back. I didn't re-read what I wrote prior to the 30 minute brain drain. Well stick with me and try to follow anyway.
I'm not going to take the time to fill-in the past two years (I'd be writing for days) so I'll leave with this question............
?? How do you fight fair with someone who's defenseless ??