Entry: Time Flies When You're Battling Demons Thursday, February 16, 2017



Not that I ever finished addressing my original list of happenings but I can update things that are no longer relevant.

I no longer need to discuss working on my bathroom because I don't have the funds to do it. I was thinking I'd refi, use money from that and be submerged in bliss. HOWEVER, that wasn't the case. Refi, yes. Funds, no. Oh the lies people tell. Turns out my mother withheld some important info from me, just goes to show I made no mistake in separating myself from them more.

The separation has been working out well. I mean other than that I still need them to help me no that I'm back to being bogged down with work issues. But overall, I do more without worry. I enjoy things without judgement. I'm much less concerned about getting anyone's approval.

Shit hit the fan at work again when TWO OTHER people made major mistakes and they decided that anyone who was involved with anything in the previous months would be made an example. So I'm fighting a wrongful termination suit, and have been sitting on my ass for 6 months now. I shouldn't say sitting on my ass, it makes it sounds as if I haven't been doing anything when in reality I've been working myself to death 90% of the time.

I started two of my own businesses. I've been working on getting certified in other states while I still have the ability to do so. I've been running Don all around town to get him the medical care he's needed but I didn't have the time to be as persistent about. I managed to squeeze in some travel to see family. Most of my days are spent running around town for one reason or another, cleaning the house because if I don't it'll remain a filthy mess, cooking, and trying to get out of my own head. Depression is real.

I looked into seeing a head dr. That hasn't worked out because no one has been responsive. I've called, emailed and still no one has contacted me. So instead I cry, a lot. I've been telling myself to get on here and write but until today that hasn't happened (obviously). I figure if I have the time to get on the computer I need to be doing things that are getting me towards completing these backup plans. I did some of that before I started typing this.

My relationship has gone to shit. I read my last post before I began this entry and it's sad to see how I went from saying he's great, so how unloved I feel. And then now, almost a year later, I have to say the same thing. Nothing has changed. I still feel unloved and lonely. I take care of myself all of the time, and I still have to pull myself together to be a good parent. I feel weak and tired, and if I could lay down and quit I would. I'm so fed up with being "strong." I take care of everyone and no one takes care of me. I'm not living, I'm existing.

The last time I was on leave I focused on getting back in shape. This time I did the same, until I discovered my asthma medication had been poisoning me for 5 months and the weight I've gained (mostly in the last 2 months of it) will have to start coming off on it's own POSSIBLY in the next 6 MONTHS now that I'm not taking it anymore. I worked my ass off for two months without losing an ounce because frikkin DULERA is the devil. I feel sloppy and unattractive.

I've changed my hair a few times, but it went unnoticed. I got another earring just so I could feel something. It wasn't until Tuesday that I actually looked at my new earring and smiled. I like it. I like it a lot. Tiny ass ears of mine, but I'm glad I got another hole. I now have a total of 10 earrings. I still want my dermals back. Especially the ones from my collar. I took them out because they kept getting knocked out during workouts, and one of them was really irritated. I look at the spots and I miss them very much. I also want a tattoo. I'm not 100% on placement, but I know I want a semi-colon butterfly.

I stopped getting my nails done almost 3 months ago, so they're almost back to normal. I kept them short while I cut off all of the damaged new growth, and NOW I can go back to growing my own healthy nails without acrylic. I don't know why I started the acrylic in the first place. I did like how freshly done nails looked, but it's certainly money that could be better used. I also enjoyed taking the time to pamper myself. I haven't been getting pedicures either.

I've started cutting Don's hair myself again too. He had been going to the barber, but continued to have fits in the chair. It was embarrassing and tiresome. I had to take the time to get him there just for him to cry and cut a fool. Now I have to take the time to do it myself, but at least I'm not embarrassed. He doesn't want me to cut his Mohawk off. Fine *shrugs*

My son was in soccer for a while. He took interest in it when he found out T played, but when it became just me and him he lost interest. Instead, I've signed him up for Cub Scouts. I don't know what I was thinking! I want him to be able to commune with other males and learn things about becoming a man, from MEN. But there are more women involved then men it turns out (men are seriously failing today's children), and it's time consuming as ever. Now I have to help him work on scout project and tasks in his book so he can earn badges and belt loops. The uniform was EXPENSIVE!!! He needs a new book each year, AND because I'm the only parent I get the privilege of taking him each week and attending all of the trips. I guess he's going to miss out on some, because I have my limits. If I were working NONE OF THIS would be happening. Which is ass backward because I need to be working to afford this shit! I want to sign him up for tutoring as well so someone else can help with math. I need to figure out how to make that work.

Depression has taken over me. Some days I don't know how I make it from morning to night. I surprise myself with how much I accomplish, that my home hasn't gone to complete shit, and that my kid is still in one piece. Some days I don't care about anything at all. If it weren't for Brooke (a new person I met), Rashaad, Don and occasionally Byrd I would not be as ok as I am. Brooke keeps me on my toes and gets me out of the house. Rashaad checks on me, and has taken time off to help me get things done when he sees I'm dragging my feet. Don shows me love and gives me hugs n kisses when he sees I'm down. Byrd has been calling, and actually doesn't want anything!!! That's so new!! She literally calls to see how I'm doing. I've made a point to stop by her house from time to time because of it.

I don't know if going back to work right now is the best thing for me or not. I wanted to go back to work but now the school year is almost over. Not to mention I barely pull myself together to get Don to school. I don't even get dressed for it. I leave this house, no bra, no socks. Hell I've even taken him there in my footy pj's. I don't have to get out of the car anymore so I don't give a damn. Ok that's somewhat of a lie, because there are mornings I pull my coat closed and still walk inside of stores with my house clothes on. Yup. I just don't care. At least my hair is usually ok.

Did I miss anything?

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